A sparrow when I'm broken, and eagle when I fly.....

Welcome to my world. I am an ordinary wife and mom who has been extraordinarily blessed by an amazing husband and house full of beautiful children. My prayer is that you will be somehow blessed by our family's story. It is a tale of God's grace and forgiveness...His loving kindness and patience with us His children as we strive & struggle everyday to bless His name with our lives

Monday, January 19, 2009

Still Among The Living

*Okay, I am taking the step to write a blog entry after several weeks of silence.* Sorry guys. I am embarrassed to admit that I have been in a "funk" which is nicer sounding than "I have been depressed". I have sympathy for others when they are depressed. When I am depressed I have no patience for myself and feel like a total mental case failure. So, there is my confession. I think there may be a tiny glimmer of light at the end of this tunnel and I am blogging about it to take a step in the right direction. I do know from reading all the books on grief I can get my hands on, that the 7-10 months mark after a death is a very hard time for people. Not sure why that is? It just seems like most of us dealing with a loved one's death really "crash" around that time. Mike and I still miss Jonathan constantly. For me I am a bit surprised my grief is still so raw now nine months after he died. The holidays were a trial getting through remembering Jonnie here with us last year. My whole life then revolved around him and fighting his illness. The bone marrow transplant was an ever looming target ...an event that could heal him or kill him. In my depression I feel like I lost myself when Jonathan died and I can't find "me" anymore or ever again. Then I feel so stupid and self centered thinking that. I know logically that there is no "me" to be found, just "Jesus" to be found. He is the only thing that gets me through and keeps me trying to get better, be better....for the kids and Mike. I do know that I never felt better than the two weeks I spent last month in Ethiopia. Loving on our baby boys and all the other children in the orphanages was as fulfilling as anything I have ever done. It was as close to "finding myself" as is possible. Of course I am sure that having to leave our boys there was pouring gasoline on the whole grief work. When I bawl out my longing for Jonathan there is a whole lot of tears thrown in for missing Gezehegn and Assefa.

**I wrote the above part of this post over a week ago. I have been floundering in my grief and Mike has been a rock for me. The first of the year with Mike's support I made some changes that I am hoping will help my depression. First off both Mike and I have made major changes in our diet. We want to be as healthy as possible and it'd be nice to lose a little weight too. I am doing a modified Daniel Fast which is pretty much a vegan diet heavy on veggies and fruit. The hardest part was giving up my beloved Diet Coke and coffee. I am determined to get outside and walk everyday no matter how freezing cold it is. I know exercise outdoors is a real key to my sanity and mental health. I finally bought the book recommended too me many times in the last two years...Beth Moore's "Get Out Of That Pit". It is JUST what I need! Last week I felt that I needed a "real" fasting and prayer time for the week before our Ethiopian court date. It has been a "good" time for me. Good for me because what I really need is to get back to my meaningful dates and quiet time with my Lord. It is just too easy in depression it is to fall out of good habits like prayer and quiet times. I needed and still need a hard kick in the pants to get jump started in a positive direction. Radically changing my diet and ridding my body of all chemicals, gluten and sugars has been one helpful "kick in the pants". Serious prayer and fasting has been another powerful jump start. It has forced me to bathe myself in His Word and allow it too soothe my wounds. I ache constantly for Jonathan, my bones hurt and my eyes are always teary with longing for a little boy I won't hold again till Heaven. My heart still races in a panic to remember all the pain Jonathan went through. God's ever loving presence and the balm of His precious Word doesn't automatically remove my aches and pains and grief. The truth of God's LOVE and GRACE in His words to me do help me remember MORE than the pain of Jonathan's death. They remind me that His mercies are new every morning. They remind me that "Yes", this crippling grief will get better and God won't leave me here in this pit of despair.

I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord. --Psalm 40:1-3

Powerful words that I believe in and am choosing to count on as my own words of deliverance from a loving Father.

Thanks for visiting me in my walk in the "shadows" and the journey finding my way back out to the light.



Dana said...

Julee, you are speaking to my heart about your grief. I do understand somewhat how you feel, even with the part about losing yourself. At the end of last year, I decided to grieve, but not to let it swallow me anymore. I'm making steps to get back to my old self. I've been fasting too, praying, deep breathing, LOL, etc., but I'm starting to really feel good again. Good luck to you and I will keep checking in on you!

Audrey said...

Praying for you Julee. Your heart is so tender. I pray that the gentle sweet touch of Jesus is all over you. Keep reaching out and know that you are being lifted up to Him.

Anonymous said...

Julee my heart just breaks for you. Ten years ago on Mothers Day this year I loss my baby boy. I know that Jesus is up there loving on him until I can hold him in my arms. God has allowed me to adopt two wonderful sons, but I still miss the little boy that I never knew, yet carried for 3.5 months. When my mom died the summer of 2007 I knew that his grandma was the first one to hold him. It is hard to allow yourself to grieve and yet not become overwhelmed by it. May Jesus hold you close. I'll be praying for you.