A sparrow when I'm broken, and eagle when I fly.....

Welcome to my world. I am an ordinary wife and mom who has been extraordinarily blessed by an amazing husband and house full of beautiful children. My prayer is that you will be somehow blessed by our family's story. It is a tale of God's grace and forgiveness...His loving kindness and patience with us His children as we strive & struggle everyday to bless His name with our lives

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

God Stays The Same

                                                   Jonathan Moses Feser 10/23/05-4/3/08

Our God is a God of miracles. A God that never changes...even when we change, He stays the same. He is always there. He is always there even when I "check out". Yesterday was the day four years ago that we had to turn off the machines keeping Jonathan alive in the PICU. The following 6 mos were a living hell of grief and regrets. The next 6 mos some better...but still such a struggle to survive life well. Our aching lives slowly improved through the healing of time and God's tender mercies. I was such a mess so many times. The first two years I would never know when I would become totally undone and consumed with grief. Mike too. We started drinking more...not ever drunk or anything but developing a habit to take the edge off of a raw bleeding heart. We sought any pain relief that enabled us to get through another day of our beloved son's death and help us forget his pain and great suffering. We did unhealthy things to try to get through our grief. We got new TVs plus cable and starting allowing more TV into our home. We put all the kids in public school that first year because I was too much a wreak to homeschool. My point is that we allowed unhealthy and nonspiritual things to creep back into our lives. We saw that the best pain killer was being glued to God and filled with Him. But we got distracted. We sought distraction. We sought escape from what hurt. We changed. God did not.

When I look back over the last four years I can not believe it has been that LONG since we watched our Jonnie die a long and agonizing death over the last 18 mos of his life. It seems like it just happened. I also look back over the last four years and can not believe how much God has BLESSED us in a short four years time.....

Mike's got hired back at Energy Northwest after having to quit and take another job when Jonathan became ill.

Mike was sent to the two year "class" at work to become SRO, a position that brought better salary and more job security.

We were blessed to find a new church home over a year ago...A church that could feed us spiritually ...after feeling like we were starving for strong teaching and fellowship with other believers.
When Jonathan was battling aplastic anemia and the bone marrow transplant...our normal lives stopped. Church activities and social life stopped. We are now in a church with wonderful resources to help us teach our children about God. A church with great worship time. You have no idea what a gift that is to us!

In the last four years God has brought six more children to us. Yes! How can it be? Our three boys Jarib, Job and Judah within 18 mos of Jonathan's death and Towabech, Chairs and Elsie since then. Six more beloved children!

Then...with the seams bursting in our house and now three kids in wheelchairs ...God gave us the house that Mike loved, we saw his childhood home was for sale and we were able to buy it. Our new home is much larger and more wheelchair friendly home. We have a backyard with lots of room for a huge garden, playground equipment and we still a in ground pool! AND the crazy adoption tax refund of 2011 that gave us a huge return to provide money to remodel our new home to meet the needs of our family!

Mike was able to get a truck. We were able to find a van with wheelchair lift for an amazing great price. A truck and van, a huge garden, a home with much more sq footage...these were things we only dreamed of a year ago. The greatest blessing though is six more precious children. No longer are they orphans. They are dearly loved sons and daughters who are growing up learning about Jesus.

All these blessings and more...showered down on us in the last four years. Unbelievable. We failed in so many ways in our grief and loss in last four years. We failed each other,our kids,and friends. So many times we were a mess. But God never changes. He is still always there loving on us and holding us...always helping us. Of course there are consequences for our actions, sins, etc...But He is goodness and mercy... still blessing us in our loss and failings. Amazing. Of course we know in our head we never deserve His mercy and good gifts...but somehow I am always still surprised that He LOVES me and is sooooo good to me even when I am a screw up. How crazy is that? It reminds me that even if I was always a "good" Christian...I STILL would never deserve any of it!

So this is my message to you: Don't forget He stays the same. His Word never changes. We all may find ourselves at times thrown into a sea of despair and tossed about in waves that overpower us. Remember He is still the same. Nothing tosses Him about. Throw out your hands to grab hold of Him. Get stuck super glue stuck onto Him. Let Him carry you through those waves.

Hey! The post office just called here at 6:30 AM. My baby chicks are there to go pick up from the hatchery back east! Another big blessing. Having chickens was something I never ever thought I would be able to have again after selling our farm in Walla Walla and becoming "townies". So I am off to go get my cheeping little peeps. I just love chicks!

Friday, March 16, 2012

Back From Hiatus With PHOTO shoot

When last I shared with you I was on my way to China. Never did I ever expect to wind up taking a three and a half month break from blogging. I do miss you all my bloggy buddies... and miss having my "voice" which is what sharing my life though blogging gives me. Now friends, to catch you up on our lastest adventures...

First off I will share we moved! Though we thought never to move again...we really did need more room. One day we were driving around trying to get the littles sleepy for bedtime and we happened to drive my Mike's childhood home....and there in front was a "For Sale" sign. Mmmm.seemed to be a sign to "MOVE"! This is the "A" house (which only means something to people who grew up on Hanford reservation) that Mike's dad "Fes" master carpenter and cabinet maker remodeled in the 70s. Mike always said he would never move UNLESS his childhood home came up for sale. There is was...for sale. We put our "Q" houseup for sale(another letter house so penned by a goverment that was building a town in secret for people who would help create the nucleor bomb). As it turned out our Q house sold and we closed on the A house about the time I left for China to adopt Charis and Elsie. Mike moved our family and all our belongings while I was out of the country. Now if you never before realized what a Super Man, all time ace husband and father Mike is you should be figuring it out by now. Mike not only was watching all the kids at home while I was enjoying balmy southern China...he also packed up all the earthly belongings of our 16 person family and moved us all by himself. Wow. No, I am not unpacked yet. Yes...we still have things in storage. Since I got home from China it has been a blur of illnesses, and one small crisis after another...such is the mega size family's world. One thing we did manage to do is try to get family photos of us in front of our new home.

Big kid Cody came over to man cmaera for a photo shoot..what an exhausting experience getting 14 children to look at the camera without fingers up nose or tongues stuck out.

The key to get one good photo is to take a 100 photos. The below shots speak for themselves

Don't they look happy?

Closing my eyes reduced the stess of the experience. Smiling at least always helps

oh my...

From here on out Job (the screamer) is crying.

It is getting painful around here

There's my man..Super Dad and hater of photo taking...Oh my how I LOVE him

Maggie..forever giver of great smiles

Mike don't drop the baby

Teen angst personified

Josiah praying "please God let this agony be done"

Almost done in...

Daddy and his sweet pea..

All that work...and this is the one photo chosen as "Feser Family Photo" for LOI (YES a letter of intent...the only reason we go though agony of family photo session...to bring home another family member)

As is so often seems to be...this was first photo taken.

Hopefully the good fellows at CCCWA (China) like this photo of us...it is one we sent with LOI (letter pleading with them to give us approval to adopt another precious Chinese treasure into our family.

Stay tuned...more good news!!