A sparrow when I'm broken, and eagle when I fly.....

Welcome to my world. I am an ordinary wife and mom who has been extraordinarily blessed by an amazing husband and house full of beautiful children. My prayer is that you will be somehow blessed by our family's story. It is a tale of God's grace and forgiveness...His loving kindness and patience with us His children as we strive & struggle everyday to bless His name with our lives

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

God Stays The Same

                                                   Jonathan Moses Feser 10/23/05-4/3/08

Our God is a God of miracles. A God that never changes...even when we change, He stays the same. He is always there. He is always there even when I "check out". Yesterday was the day four years ago that we had to turn off the machines keeping Jonathan alive in the PICU. The following 6 mos were a living hell of grief and regrets. The next 6 mos some better...but still such a struggle to survive life well. Our aching lives slowly improved through the healing of time and God's tender mercies. I was such a mess so many times. The first two years I would never know when I would become totally undone and consumed with grief. Mike too. We started drinking more...not ever drunk or anything but developing a habit to take the edge off of a raw bleeding heart. We sought any pain relief that enabled us to get through another day of our beloved son's death and help us forget his pain and great suffering. We did unhealthy things to try to get through our grief. We got new TVs plus cable and starting allowing more TV into our home. We put all the kids in public school that first year because I was too much a wreak to homeschool. My point is that we allowed unhealthy and nonspiritual things to creep back into our lives. We saw that the best pain killer was being glued to God and filled with Him. But we got distracted. We sought distraction. We sought escape from what hurt. We changed. God did not.

When I look back over the last four years I can not believe it has been that LONG since we watched our Jonnie die a long and agonizing death over the last 18 mos of his life. It seems like it just happened. I also look back over the last four years and can not believe how much God has BLESSED us in a short four years time.....

Mike's got hired back at Energy Northwest after having to quit and take another job when Jonathan became ill.

Mike was sent to the two year "class" at work to become SRO, a position that brought better salary and more job security.

We were blessed to find a new church home over a year ago...A church that could feed us spiritually ...after feeling like we were starving for strong teaching and fellowship with other believers.
When Jonathan was battling aplastic anemia and the bone marrow transplant...our normal lives stopped. Church activities and social life stopped. We are now in a church with wonderful resources to help us teach our children about God. A church with great worship time. You have no idea what a gift that is to us!

In the last four years God has brought six more children to us. Yes! How can it be? Our three boys Jarib, Job and Judah within 18 mos of Jonathan's death and Towabech, Chairs and Elsie since then. Six more beloved children!

Then...with the seams bursting in our house and now three kids in wheelchairs ...God gave us the house that Mike loved, we saw his childhood home was for sale and we were able to buy it. Our new home is much larger and more wheelchair friendly home. We have a backyard with lots of room for a huge garden, playground equipment and we still a in ground pool! AND the crazy adoption tax refund of 2011 that gave us a huge return to provide money to remodel our new home to meet the needs of our family!

Mike was able to get a truck. We were able to find a van with wheelchair lift for an amazing great price. A truck and van, a huge garden, a home with much more sq footage...these were things we only dreamed of a year ago. The greatest blessing though is six more precious children. No longer are they orphans. They are dearly loved sons and daughters who are growing up learning about Jesus.

All these blessings and more...showered down on us in the last four years. Unbelievable. We failed in so many ways in our grief and loss in last four years. We failed each other,our kids,and friends. So many times we were a mess. But God never changes. He is still always there loving on us and holding us...always helping us. Of course there are consequences for our actions, sins, etc...But He is goodness and mercy... still blessing us in our loss and failings. Amazing. Of course we know in our head we never deserve His mercy and good gifts...but somehow I am always still surprised that He LOVES me and is sooooo good to me even when I am a screw up. How crazy is that? It reminds me that even if I was always a "good" Christian...I STILL would never deserve any of it!

So this is my message to you: Don't forget He stays the same. His Word never changes. We all may find ourselves at times thrown into a sea of despair and tossed about in waves that overpower us. Remember He is still the same. Nothing tosses Him about. Throw out your hands to grab hold of Him. Get stuck super glue stuck onto Him. Let Him carry you through those waves.

Hey! The post office just called here at 6:30 AM. My baby chicks are there to go pick up from the hatchery back east! Another big blessing. Having chickens was something I never ever thought I would be able to have again after selling our farm in Walla Walla and becoming "townies". So I am off to go get my cheeping little peeps. I just love chicks!

10 comments:

Debbie Adamson said...

Hi Julee,

What an amazing story. How many kids have you adopted in total now? I adopted a little gire when she was 3 (she's now 5). I can at least identify with some of what you are sharing. My daughter has ADHD, ODD and RAD. It has cost me job (still unemployed for 2 years now) because of Lilyan's behavioral challenges. Life is tough. We finalized the adoption on Jan 26 of this year. Even though the cost is high emotionally and otherwise, I would trade my daughter for anything. I to, see her as a gift and blessing from God. Hang in there!

Debbie Adamson said...

I also have a web page about Lilyan's story. I'd love to see you there. The URL is: http://www.myredemption47.com

Debbie Adamson

Anna's Family said...

Julee-
You posted on our blog 4 weeks after we lost our daughter Anna Marie Yitao Gooden. Today I just saw your post. It will be 4 years this August that Anna will have gone home. Just like you we handled those first couple years in such a messy manner. Really did not "see" it because we were in too much of a fog. I am so grateful to have found your post and see how well you guys are doing today. We too have been showered w/ blessings we do not deserve. Still I miss her every day as I know you do your sweet baby boy. God Bless you guys and your family! Thank you for your prayers...they were heard & felt!
Jo Gooden
www.annasforeverfamilies.org

Chris said...

Julee
thank you for being so transparent and "real" about your years since Jonnie's passing-
I remember reading your blog when he was dying, and knowing it was SOOOO hard to lose a child, yet I am so thankful that He is so faithful and continued to bless you thru it all!
Thanks again for writing the truth-it helps all of us to know that He will be faithful, even in our unfaithfulness

Susy said...

I met you yesterday while we were getting pedicures. What a blessing our Lord gave me when He put our two heads together. It was truly unforgettable for me. There is a reason for this!!!! Your blog on Jonathan is very moving and I only thank the Lord you all had each other during this difficult time. I truly hope I have the pleasure seeing you again, and this may sound silly from someone you just met......I love you.... From one sister in Christ to another! What an honor to have met a true saint in the making!

Susy Williams

melchanson said...

Hello!!! I am soooo blessed by your blog:-) You might be interested to follow my blog...check out my pictures..you might see a little someone that you will be getting to know VERY well soon:-) She is such a blessing to me right now:-) I am lifting your family up and will so enjoy reading about the children's lives on the other side:-) My side is amazing but I know yours is as well!!! Blessings my friend!!!
Melodie in East Asia:-)

Smilen Champ said...

Hi
My name is Jenna and I came across your site. Jonathan's story is such an inspiration. He was a brave, courageous fighter, who fought a brave fight, untill he won, and is now heaven flying free from pain, hospitals and medical stuff. He will always be missed, but he will always be remembered for the little boy he was, his smile, and his courage and determination to fight as hard as he did. He will always be a hero forever. He is an amazing angel. Your family, will be in my thoughts and prayers.

I was born with a rare life threatening disease, and have 14 other medical conditions, and developmental delays.

I wrote this poem

Each of us are Special

Each of us different,

No one is the same

Each of are us are unique in our own way,

Those of us who have challenges, we smile through our day.

It doesen't matter what other's say

we are special anyway.

What is forty feet and sings? the school chior

http [:/] /www.miraclechamp.webs.com

Smilen Champ said...

Hi Julee

My name is Jenna. Your kids are a brave courageous fighter. your kids are a special miracle from god, a gift from above, earthly angel,and your kids are a smilen hero. Your are full of happiness, life, smiles, joy, fun,love, and spunk.

Julee, You and your husband are amazing, wonderful loving and caring people and parents. Your kids are a blessing to you, but you are also a blessing to them.

Jonathan, was an amazing fighter who has fought all his life with all his might. He is now free, and is and forever will be a hero and a precious angel.

I am losing my grandma to dementia, and it is really sad for me. I went to visit her yesterday, and all she did was cry tryed to talk, and that's about it. She is dying and may not live past this weekend. This is the first time I had to say good bye to a family member, and the first time I witnesed someone dying.


I was born with a rare life threatening disease, and have 14 other medical conditions, and developmental delays.

I wrote this poem

Each of us are Special

Each of us different,

No one is the same

Each of are us are unique in our own way,

Those of us who have challenges, we smile through our day.

Those who of us who have challenges, we smile through our day.

It doesn't matter what others say

we are special anyway.

What is forty feet and sings? the school chior
http://www.miraclechamp.webs.com

Julie said...

HI Julee - I have followed you over the years and have watched your family grow and go through the sad loss of your sweet little boy. You and your family have been an inspiration to me - as we have grown from 4 children - to 6 - and now 7. God bless you for sharing your honest story here. Our Lord is mighty to save and honors our attempts to make him first in our lives - despite our failures and imperfections. Thanks for sharing!

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