What God Can Do: Happy Birthday Jonathan

Jonathan would have had his 6th birthday yesterday. So very many memories crammed into the last six years. Though I still battle the ugly memories of the tortuous ordeals he was forced to endure in attempts to save his life...those nightmares have eased some with time. More and more when I think of our "Jonnie" it is with peace and smiles to think of his quirky laugh and song singing. How he woke every morning with a total body molding hug around my neck and sweet whisper of "mama". How he was joy filled by all music and for some strange reason especially enjoyed country music?! No matter how many times nurses and doctors poked him and bled him, tied him down for radiation and chemo...he still always greeted them with smiles and hugs and a happy dance. More joy memories now than haunted nightmare memories. I love how God created time. How He uses it. He uses time as the great healer. He uses time to ripen us in knowledge. He uses time for second chances..He uses time for "seventy times seventy" chances. He uses time to allow the living hell of seeing your child die an agonizing death; to grow a heart in ways only extreme grief can grow it. He uses time to cause the worst things to become "good" things. Things for Him.

I miss Jonathan. Always will. But my life is wonderful. How could it not be when I have such a great God? God who can heal the biggest heartaches and forgive the biggest sins. Thank you God for bringing Jonathan into our family. It was awesome...all of it. Even the hardest parts because when it was hardest You showed Yourself the brightest. Thank you God that I know because of You I will see my Jonathan again. I love him so...and I love You more

A baby for Julee! What a glorious day!

The first time Jonathan went bald from chemo. He wasn't too upset about it as you can tell

Transplant was delayed a second time so we were blessed with a third Christmas and Hanukkah with Jonathan

Home away from home "Ronald McDonald House" in Seattle

With big brother Cody at BMT (bone marrow transplant) post radiation and chemo...last day with hair

What radiation, chemo poison and 17 other IV meds can make a person feel like

My poor sweet Jonnie losing the fight for life.

This is how I think of you little man! Happy and at home! Can't wait to be in our real home with you and someday!

The World is Lighter

So, I have been home from Ethiopia over a week and feel completely recovered. Friday we took off to Goldendale for the weekend. It was our last chance to go for awhile as Mike is starting the "outage*" very soon. It was gorgeous up in the mountains. The air was clear and a bit chilly. When the kids cheeks got too cold to stay outside on the zip line or hiking the paths with Daddy..we moved indoors to sit by the wood stove and read books or play games. We feasted on special camping type food and just relaxed mostly. I realized that it was the very nicest time I have ever had there. I think I figured out why that was. The first times we went to visit the cabin in Goldendale was with Jonathan. The first trips were really fun but there was always hanging over our head Jonathan's upcoming BMT (bone marrow transplant). We had to make sure Jonnie had enough blood or platelets to make it through our weekend. We had to be constantly checking his temperature in case he came down with line infection and we had to make an ER run. Mostly the stress I didn't realize at the time, was all about the life or death event of the BMT we were racing toward. Looking back I can see it was a huge weighty fear hovering over all my thoughts. Our trips to Goldendale after Jonathan died were really good for us as a family. But I was still such a train wreak the first months after he died that any and every place was hell to me. This past weekend I found myself relaxed and enjoying Mike and the kids and the beauty I found myself in. I was able to enjoy things in a way not possible when my heavy cloak of great sadness colored all things dark grey. Of course I still have lots of moments of giving into my grief. I most recently have been having the worst nightmares about Jonathan that wake me in agony and terror. Those bad dreams carry over to the whole day sometimes. BUT, in general, I can see how I am getting better. Wow. Realizing what a good time I had at Goldendale was SOOO encouraging. There is light at the end of this grief tunnel?!! Of course I "knew" it from past loss, but knowing it and "owning" it is different. The world just got a bit lighter.

Julee

**the "outage" is the every other year planned shut down of the nuclear power reactor where Mike works. It means lots of mandatory overtime hours and more $ too.
Enjoy the photos posted below from our weekend in Goldendale

A Year Ago

A year ago Jonathan and I were living at Ronald McDonald House next door to Children's Hospital in Seattle. We were there doing all the appointments and medical test and procedures in preparation for the bone marrow transplant. Because Jonathan had to avoid people and viruses we were in isolation at Ronald McDonald House. That meant we spent many, many lovely hours alone in our room. Jonathan loved watching certain cartoons and his favorite was Wonder Pets. Here he is entranced and absorbed in watching a rescue mission by the super cute heroes..a Guinea pig, duckling, and turtle.




Wonder Pets over!...oh no...




No more cartoons...



Sign language....




Happily showing off his tonsils.




Wonder Pets forgotten and ready for more fun with Mommy.



I share Jonathan's funny faces from last year because I think his was the most wonderful of faces. He is gone now and it is sad that no one sees his face anymore. So..bear with me when I post photos, mention Jonathan, or fall at times into fits of grief. It is a tiny little way to keep him around.

Julee
getting ready to clean out the closet full of Jonathan's belongings. Thank goodness for Rubbermaid bins...you can put the lid on and stow it away to deal with another day.

Still Among The Living

*Okay, I am taking the step to write a blog entry after several weeks of silence.* Sorry guys. I am embarrassed to admit that I have been in a "funk" which is nicer sounding than "I have been depressed". I have sympathy for others when they are depressed. When I am depressed I have no patience for myself and feel like a total mental case failure. So, there is my confession. I think there may be a tiny glimmer of light at the end of this tunnel and I am blogging about it to take a step in the right direction. I do know from reading all the books on grief I can get my hands on, that the 7-10 months mark after a death is a very hard time for people. Not sure why that is? It just seems like most of us dealing with a loved one's death really "crash" around that time. Mike and I still miss Jonathan constantly. For me I am a bit surprised my grief is still so raw now nine months after he died. The holidays were a trial getting through remembering Jonnie here with us last year. My whole life then revolved around him and fighting his illness. The bone marrow transplant was an ever looming target ...an event that could heal him or kill him. In my depression I feel like I lost myself when Jonathan died and I can't find "me" anymore or ever again. Then I feel so stupid and self centered thinking that. I know logically that there is no "me" to be found, just "Jesus" to be found. He is the only thing that gets me through and keeps me trying to get better, be better....for the kids and Mike. I do know that I never felt better than the two weeks I spent last month in Ethiopia. Loving on our baby boys and all the other children in the orphanages was as fulfilling as anything I have ever done. It was as close to "finding myself" as is possible. Of course I am sure that having to leave our boys there was pouring gasoline on the whole grief work. When I bawl out my longing for Jonathan there is a whole lot of tears thrown in for missing Gezehegn and Assefa.

**I wrote the above part of this post over a week ago. I have been floundering in my grief and Mike has been a rock for me. The first of the year with Mike's support I made some changes that I am hoping will help my depression. First off both Mike and I have made major changes in our diet. We want to be as healthy as possible and it'd be nice to lose a little weight too. I am doing a modified Daniel Fast which is pretty much a vegan diet heavy on veggies and fruit. The hardest part was giving up my beloved Diet Coke and coffee. I am determined to get outside and walk everyday no matter how freezing cold it is. I know exercise outdoors is a real key to my sanity and mental health. I finally bought the book recommended too me many times in the last two years...Beth Moore's "Get Out Of That Pit". It is JUST what I need! Last week I felt that I needed a "real" fasting and prayer time for the week before our Ethiopian court date. It has been a "good" time for me. Good for me because what I really need is to get back to my meaningful dates and quiet time with my Lord. It is just too easy in depression it is to fall out of good habits like prayer and quiet times. I needed and still need a hard kick in the pants to get jump started in a positive direction. Radically changing my diet and ridding my body of all chemicals, gluten and sugars has been one helpful "kick in the pants". Serious prayer and fasting has been another powerful jump start. It has forced me to bathe myself in His Word and allow it too soothe my wounds. I ache constantly for Jonathan, my bones hurt and my eyes are always teary with longing for a little boy I won't hold again till Heaven. My heart still races in a panic to remember all the pain Jonathan went through. God's ever loving presence and the balm of His precious Word doesn't automatically remove my aches and pains and grief. The truth of God's LOVE and GRACE in His words to me do help me remember MORE than the pain of Jonathan's death. They remind me that His mercies are new every morning. They remind me that "Yes", this crippling grief will get better and God won't leave me here in this pit of despair.


I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord. --Psalm 40:1-3

Powerful words that I believe in and am choosing to count on as my own words of deliverance from a loving Father.

Thanks for visiting me in my walk in the "shadows" and the journey finding my way back out to the light.

Julee

Newest Feser Blessings-Adoption Part One

Our family always knew we would adopt again. In fact we had thought to start a new adoption in early 2007 but we put those plans on hold when Jonathan was diagnosed with aplastic anemia. Through his illness we kept up to date of happenings in the adoption world. Mike and I planned to adopt as soon as Jonathan was stable and well. We were always aware that he could die; but I just don’t think one can ever really prepare themselves for that. I thought I was prepared, but I wasn’t. When he died adopting another child was the very last thing on my mind. All I wanted was Jonathan.

For the first time ever…Mike himself broached the subject of adoption to me. He told me the day after Jonnie died that in a few months we would be getting our paperwork updated to adopt a little girl from Ethiopia. This happened in the long car ride home from Seattle on our way to funeral home with Jonathan in the back seat. I told Mike I wasn’t ready to think about adoption and wouldn’t be for a long time, maybe never be able to think about it again. * Mike bringing up the adoption to me was a total shock. It is always me…seeing a child’s photo, or hearing of a child needing home….presenting their case to Mike….begging to bring them home…. And hardest for me of all…..learning to trust that God speaks to Mike when a child is the right one for our family.

On June 9th two months after Jonathan died I realized something. I realized that no matter how much I missed Jonathan and wanted him back; I still loved the other kids just as much as always. This helped me to understand that I could love new children just as much as the children we have now. And I could love new children even though I would grieve forever for Jonathan. That is the day we started our new adoption. If you see the “ticker” on the top of my blog posts…that is the date we count as the beginning of this adoption. June 9th I spent all day in the Word. I looked up every single passage in the Bible that mentions heaven. Next to each verse I wrote the date and the name “Neveah” (Heaven spelled backwards) I knew God was going to give us a daughter and I wanted “heaven” to be a part of her name. Her name would be a testament to our real home and that which we long for….finally one day being with Jesus and with Jonathan again too. God also gave me two other very special names that were a message to Mike and I. One name was “Job” which means “surviving or triumphing over affliction” and the other was “Judah” which means “Praise (God)”. These names were again reinforcing God’s message to praise Him in all things. (Praise Him in Affliction)This is such a big thing in my relationship with God. Not only must I obey Him by praising Him for all things, but He shows ALWAYS that His ways are best and worthy of all our praise! It is all about glorifying Him. Stuff happens I don’t like and would change if I could. I HATE seeing any child suffer, but especially hate seeing my own suffer. We praise Him because we KNOW He is worthy and His plans are perfect. We praise Him not just because He says too but because it is what we were made for. We praise Him because no matter how painful and awful life can be …there is no better place that right beside HIM praising His name and being in His will.

It is amazing how smoothly and quickly this adoption has gone so far. At least the paperwork has seemed easier this time. The “wait” has been MUCH easier than I ever remember it being. That might have something to do with the fact that we are meeting our new kids in a few days! Ask me how easy the “wait” is after we have to leave them at the orphanages in Ethiopia and come back here to wait for court in Ethiopia and the adoption travel dates.

More on the little munchkins and newest Fesers-to-be in next post.

Julee
dreaming of holding wee little ones again
and drinking deep of sweet baby smell