Jonathan Moses Feser 10/23/05-4/3/08
Our God is a God of miracles. A God that never changes...even when we change, He stays the same. He is always there. He is always there even when I "check out". Yesterday was the day four years ago that we had to turn off the machines keeping Jonathan alive in the PICU. The following 6 mos were a living hell of grief and regrets. The next 6 mos some better...but still such a struggle to survive life well. Our aching lives slowly improved through the healing of time and God's tender mercies. I was such a mess so many times. The first two years I would never know when I would become totally undone and consumed with grief. Mike too. We started drinking more...not ever drunk or anything but developing a habit to take the edge off of a raw bleeding heart. We sought any pain relief that enabled us to get through another day of our beloved son's death and help us forget his pain and great suffering. We did unhealthy things to try to get through our grief. We got new TVs plus cable and starting allowing more TV into our home. We put all the kids in public school that first year because I was too much a wreak to homeschool. My point is that we allowed unhealthy and nonspiritual things to creep back into our lives. We saw that the best pain killer was being glued to God and filled with Him. But we got distracted. We sought distraction. We sought escape from what hurt. We changed. God did not.
When I look back over the last four years I can not believe it has been that LONG since we watched our Jonnie die a long and agonizing death over the last 18 mos of his life. It seems like it just happened. I also look back over the last four years and can not believe how much God has BLESSED us in a short four years time.....
Mike's got hired back at Energy Northwest after having to quit and take another job when Jonathan became ill.
Mike was sent to the two year "class" at work to become SRO, a position that brought better salary and more job security.
We were blessed to find a new church home over a year ago...A church that could feed us spiritually ...after feeling like we were starving for strong teaching and fellowship with other believers.
When Jonathan was battling aplastic anemia and the bone marrow transplant...our normal lives stopped. Church activities and social life stopped. We are now in a church with wonderful resources to help us teach our children about God. A church with great worship time. You have no idea what a gift that is to us!
In the last four years God has brought six more children to us. Yes! How can it be? Our three boys Jarib, Job and Judah within 18 mos of Jonathan's death and Towabech, Chairs and Elsie since then. Six more beloved children!
Then...with the seams bursting in our house and now three kids in wheelchairs ...God gave us the house that Mike loved, we saw his childhood home was for sale and we were able to buy it. Our new home is much larger and more wheelchair friendly home. We have a backyard with lots of room for a huge garden, playground equipment and we still a in ground pool! AND the crazy adoption tax refund of 2011 that gave us a huge return to provide money to remodel our new home to meet the needs of our family!
Mike was able to get a truck. We were able to find a van with wheelchair lift for an amazing great price. A truck and van, a huge garden, a home with much more sq footage...these were things we only dreamed of a year ago. The greatest blessing though is six more precious children. No longer are they orphans. They are dearly loved sons and daughters who are growing up learning about Jesus.
All these blessings and more...showered down on us in the last four years. Unbelievable. We failed in so many ways in our grief and loss in last four years. We failed each other,our kids,and friends. So many times we were a mess. But God never changes. He is still always there loving on us and holding us...always helping us. Of course there are consequences for our actions, sins, etc...But He is goodness and mercy... still blessing us in our loss and failings. Amazing. Of course we know in our head we never deserve His mercy and good gifts...but somehow I am always still surprised that He LOVES me and is sooooo good to me even when I am a screw up. How crazy is that? It reminds me that even if I was always a "good" Christian...I STILL would never deserve any of it!
So this is my message to you: Don't forget He stays the same. His Word never changes. We all may find ourselves at times thrown into a sea of despair and tossed about in waves that overpower us. Remember He is still the same. Nothing tosses Him about. Throw out your hands to grab hold of Him. Get stuck super glue stuck onto Him. Let Him carry you through those waves.
Hey! The post office just called here at 6:30 AM. My baby chicks are there to go pick up from the hatchery back east! Another big blessing. Having chickens was something I never ever thought I would be able to have again after selling our farm in Walla Walla and becoming "townies". So I am off to go get my cheeping little peeps. I just love chicks!